Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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