I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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