i'm signing you up for texting rehab
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
