Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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