Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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