you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
His hands were made for my vagina.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
