thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize