I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
