im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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