is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The Olympian is in my bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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