shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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