Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
