I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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