don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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