Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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