doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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