dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
