And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
