I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
