Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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