At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
