so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize