I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
home. puking in laundry basket.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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