Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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