he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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