i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
