I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
