I am spending my child support on dildos
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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