why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
