Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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