You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wish there were birth control emojis
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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