i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
