There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
