definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
