Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
