oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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