I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize