Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
