if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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