so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
