You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
