I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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