Can i not drive my cunt home
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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