Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
