it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
