Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
