Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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