No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
