Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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