im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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