Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
