I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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