Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
