Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
