If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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